


truth is a golden rectangle

by agalaxyofglitter



Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Gen, How does this work, My First Fanfic, Panic Attacks, Zack/Billy if you squint, i might rewrite this uggh, they curse btw, this was supposed to be cranscott wHoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-09 05:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11662443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agalaxyofglitter/pseuds/agalaxyofglitter
Summary: Billy deals with his death.cause dude. he died. why do people think he wouldn't be freaking out over that.title from the song "an encyclopedia" by milo





	truth is a golden rectangle

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first published fic forgive me. i barely know how to use this website even though i'm on here all the time...  
> k so why do most cranscott fics talk about how jason is torn up by billy's death? like i get it jason, it was difficult but i mean billy freaking died. i might continue this but i like where it ended. i tried to make the writing style kind of overwhelming so warning for panic attacks. let me know if i wrote billy inaccurately. i’ll def rewrite it. i love these kids and i want to get them right.  
> okay anyway hope you enjoy!
> 
> also: leave comments! constructive criticism! i need it lmao

     The accident wasn't his fault. It wasn’t his _fault_. They were sparring when it first happened. Zack had kicked Billy’s legs from under him, causing Billy to fall flat on his back. Taking the small window of opportunity, Zack pinned down Billy, arm lightly against his throat, stopping all movement. Usually this was okay, it was inevitable when they were training. But this time Billy was hyper aware of his constricted movement. Zack was lying across his chest which meant his lungs couldn’t take in a full breath of air. His neck was also pinned which further restricted breathing. Billy could slowly feel the beginning of a panic attack. He tried swallowing it down, attempting to raise a hand to tap Zack, but he could no longer control his limbs. His body was made of lead, he couldn’t move. His breathing was getting faster and he could feel his heartbeat. Zack looked down at his face and his eyebrows knitted, seeing the panic in Billy’s face and quickly backing off. “You okay?” He asked.

     Billy quickly sat up and squeezed his eyes shut. Inhale for four, hold for five, exhale for six. He could hear the distorted screams of his friends underwater. Inhale for four, hold for five, exhale for six. It was dark and cold and the rope was digging into his wrists. Inhale for four, hold for five, exhale for six. The electricity traveled too fast for him to register until it hit him and every part of his body was on fire. He screamed and the water rushed into his lungs, until he couldn’t scream from the lack of air. Four five six. Everything was burning and he could no longer see the darkness of the water, only a white hot light. He couldn’t feel anything but the electricity, not even the water. Five six four. He wanted to die. He wanted the pain to be over with so he could die. Six five nine. It spread to his insides too. His heart felt like a bonfire in his chest, his muscles were screaming to get away from the water and heat. It was too much, he wanted to die, why couldn’t he die-

     “-need to breathe, Billy. Take in a deep breath. Please, Billy.” He could now distinctly hear a voice babbling beside him. Cautiously, he opened his eyes to see he wasn’t in the lake, but beside his friends who were all staring at him with wide eyes. Kimberly let out a relieved sob when he looked at her. Zack exhaled slowly and Trini rubbed the back of her neck and rose from her kneeled position. Billy looked over to see Jason staring straight at him, still babbling on. Jason was crying, silent tears running down his face. He quickly closed his eyes and mouth, not able to speak any more. They stood in silence for a while, all staring at one another.

     Billy looked down at the ground and picked up a rock to fiddle with. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

     “No!” Zack called out a little too loudly and a little too sudden. “No,” He said a bit quieter. “I completely overstepped. I know you’re touch-sensitive and I shouldn’t have done anything that...violent. I was being stupid, thinking I could mess around.”

     Billy sighed, he hated this. Being reminded of how weird he was. His friends shouldn’t have to tip-toe around him like this. “Are you okay?” Jason spoke up after a while.

     “...’m fine.” Billy responded, no longer looking the Rangers in the eye.

     “Do you want to talk about it?” Jason continued, hopeful.

     “I’m _fine_.” Billy said a little more forcefully. “I-I just need some time to myself.” He got up and grabbed his bag, a tear starting to fall before he quickly wiped it away. He practically ran out of the Pit before collapsing just underneath the water exit. Sobs racked Billy’s body. He was scared. It had been weeks since the incident and that was the first time he had relived it. He should’ve stayed with his friends and told them what had happened, but they already knew how sensitive he was. They didn’t need more of a reason to stop hanging out with him. Besides, they were already over the incident. They were already over his...death. It hurt to admit, but it was true. He was expendable, a fifth wheel. No one would've cared if he died. He was the least important member. Maybe they would've done better without him. Billy’s breath hitched at the last thought. He slowly stopped crying, hiccups soon replacing the tears. He eventually stood on his wobbly legs and looked up, knowing he didn’t have the strength to jump out. Billy stared up for a while, the water stared menacingly back. It was too much, especially right now. He probably wouldn’t take the water exit for a while. Billy grabbed his bag and began to make the long journey to the Zord room, the only other exit on the ship. He swallowed thickly and stared determinedly at the floor. It was over for now.

     It was a Saturday, four days after his panic attack. The team was headed to Billy’s house in his minivan. They decided to blow off practice and take a well-deserved break. Everyone was piled in the van; Jason driving, Billy in the passenger seat, Zack behind him, Kim behind Jason and Trini in the way back. She complained but she was the only one whose knees were at least semi-comfortable pressed up against the seat. Plus she could flick Zack in the back of the head. The van was noisy and hectic, insults being thrown around violently, but Billy didn’t mind. He was actually happy. He rocked back and forth in the seat, focus being on the shell hanging from the rearview mirror. He tried to match his rhythm to the swinging of the shell, sometimes the shell would stutter as they hit a bump in the road or stopped at a light. But other than that it followed a consistent pattern. The other Rangers were used to his stimming by now. The first time they didn’t know how to react, Billy had finished fixing up a minor electrical problem on the ship and started flapping his hands up and down. They had all raised their eyebrows and moved out of his way, giving a nervous chuckle. Now they knew the different ways get his attention when he flapped or rocked. Like how Jason put a gentle hand on his shoulder to let Billy know they had arrived at his house. The team tore off their seat belts and raced to the front door, eager to get to Billy’s souped up PS4 console. He had messed around with it to allow them to play 4k Blu-Rays. Which is the only way anyone should ever watch a movie. Billy got out of the car and walked up to door, barely touching the handle before his mom swung it open from the other side. She squealed and moved aside to let his friends in. “I fixed a couple of snacks! They’re on the kitchen counter!” Billy smiled at his mom and turned to follow his friends. “Billy.” his mother stopped him. “I’m proud of you. You know that?” Billy smiled again and looked down to fiddle with his jacket zipper. “Can I have a hug?” She asked and they embraced briefly. She sniffled as the broke apart before she shooed her son off to be with his friends.

     They ended up watching Finding Nemo and Ratatouille back to back. Trini fell asleep about 10 minutes after Ratatouille started and everyone else was starting to nod off. They were gathered in Billy’s room; Kim, Jason and Billy taking up the entire bed. Trini and Zack sprawled on the floor. Billy could feel himself starting to drift off when he felt a tap on the bottom of his foot. He looked down to see Zack staring up at him. “Hey Billy? You're not going to fall asleep on me?” Billy chuckled softly and rubbed his eyes before sitting up fully.

     “I probably was but, um. What's up?” Zack twisted around his hand in his lap and smiled awkwardly. After a moment he stopped and slumped against the bed.

     “I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I just feel so bad about your panic attack and I just...I wanted to apologise properly. You stormed out of the Pit and we didn't really get to talk about it. I want to make sure you're okay.” Billy's face had dropped. He didn't want to talk about this right now. “Do you want to go outside and talk about this?” Zack asked, already standing up. Billy nodded half-heartedly and carefully crawled over Jason to stand up. The pair walked out of the room and towards the backyard. Zack stopped at the refrigerator briefly to grab two Coke bottles, handing one to Billy. They slipped out of the sliding door onto the deck. It was cool that night and quiet. An occasional cricket chirp and rustle of leaves. Billy heard a sudden pop and looked over to see Zack popping open his bottle with the opener on his key ring. His friend looked over and gestured at the bottle in his hand. Billy allowed him to open it, letting the carbonation run over the top watching Zack take a long sip. They stood in silence, looking up at the clear sky.

     “My mom's been getting worse.” He said suddenly. “Um, after the Rita Incident she was doing really well. And then a few weeks after she-” his voice started cracking. “-um, I brought her breakfast and she didn't eat anything. And I didn't think anything of it but then she wouldn't eat lunch or dinner. So I tried again the next day and she still wouldn't eat...and _god_.” Zack kneeled down on the deck and pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes to stop the stream of tears. “It sucks. It fucking sucks. We don't have enough money to get her checked out at a doctor. We barely have enough money to pay the fucking water bills.” He slammed his bottle on the wooden deck and stood up quickly. “I'm sorry. I wanted to talk about what you're going through. I didn't mean to start crying and being all stupid n’ shit.” He let out a forced chuckle. Billy looked at Zack and set his untouched bottle on the deck as well. He went up to Zack and gave him a quick, comforting hug. Zack looked at him a moment after in shock, “I'm sorry.” He whispered, shaking his head. Billy nodded and looked at the bottles on the ground.

     “Yeah. I'm sorry too. I really should talk to someone about this. But it's difficult. It's not like with my dad where I can go to the mines or put on a country track. I'm just not used to all of...this and it scares me.” He gestured in-between them “We probably should talk to someone. This is the biggest secret I've kept from the team.” Zack smirked and picked up the Coke, taking another long sip.

     “Yeah. We probably should.” The pair stood there, eyes back up facing the stars. When Zack eventually finished his drink he grabbed it and Billy's untouched one to head back inside. He mouthed a silent 'thank you’ before sliding the door closed. Billy squeezed his eyes shut and all he could see and hear was the dock water.

     Billy opened his eyes and blinked at the bright sunlight. He had fallen asleep on one of the deck chairs last night, never going back inside. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and turned his body in the chair. Jason was sitting in the chair next to him, scrolling on his phone. He looked up from the screen briefly to see Billy looking at him. A bright smile graced his face. “Hey!” He slipped the phone into his front pocket. “You didn't come back with Zack last night so I came out to check on you.” Billy nodded and looked around. “What time is it? Did everyone else leave?” Jason pulled the phone back out of his phone briefly “It's ten twenty-three and yeah. Everyone else left hours ago.”

     Billy shook his head, “Why are you here?”

     Jason chuckled. “Um. Zack said he talked to you last night. I, ah, just wanted to make sure you're okay, Billy...Y’know. No one on the team has really talked about what happened with Rita? And I just think that we should. Because. It's important to me that you guys aren't trying to deal with shit way out of your hands.” Jason was avoiding eye contact now. “We’re superheros. But...you can't deal with this alone, Billy. Please don't think you can.” When Jason met his eyes again, he looked so tired. Billy felt a small twinge of guilt.

     “Jason.” Billy's voice was suddenly hoarse and quiet. “I-I can't. I don't know how.” Jason’s eyebrows went up, face becoming concerned. He made a move to touch Billy but refrained. Billy sniffed and looked his friend straight in the eye. “I’ve never had to deal with anything like this, Jason. I can't process any of it. All I know is that I'm scared. And I don't even know what I'm scared of!” Billy threw his hands in the air and sat back in his chair. “I can’t deal with this anymore...” Jason sat there staring at his best friend, shocked at the words that had spewed out of his mouth.

     “Billy…” He sighed and started over, “Billy. I won't understand what you're going through. I probably never will. But it's awful seeing you go through this alone. You're not alone, Billy. You have us. We're here for you. I'm here for you. Right now! I can't watch you tear yourself up anymore.” Billy closed his eyes slowly and he could feel the rising panic starting again.

     “It started at practice. Wh-when I was sparring with Zack.” Billy started, “He cut off my breathing and I had a flashback to...the dock. I didn't want to tell you guys cause I'm weird enough as it is-”

     “Stop. You're not weird. Don't ever call yourself weird. You're an amazing human being with a brilliant mind. The things you've done for this team...we love you and we won't accept you calling yourself weird. Anyways, continue.”

     “-Well, I didn't want to tell you guys. But it started to get worse. I couldn't take the water exit anymore because my throat would close up as soon as I jumped in. And then I couldn't drink anything anymore-”

     “Wait. So you haven't had anything to drink in the past few days? Billy you could-”

     “Jason. Please. Could you stop interrupting me?”

     “Yeah, sorry.” “I've done a bunch of research. And I think. I think I may have PTSD. But. I don't really trust whatever I read on the internet so.” Billy took a deep breath “I want to go to a therapist.” The pair stared at each other.

     “Okay. Okay, Billy.” Jason said. “Thank you for telling me. I’ll look for therapists and we'll figure out a way to get through this. Together.” Billy let out a shuddering breath and sat up. He looked at Jason and suddenly reached over to hug him. It felt good to finally let things off of his chest.

**Author's Note:**

> someone teach me how to punctuateeeeeeee
> 
> i want to draw attention to the title really quickly cause it fits and i think i'm clever  
> read this please cause i can't explain it that well: https://genius.com/7897012  
> but like...billy is a smart cookie so having a title relating to math Fits Him and wow i'm way too proud of this


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